Stranger In A Strange Land: The Parody!
by AllieSMG
Summary: I found this episode somewhat dull and…well…strange, so I wrote a parody. Some romantic themes and of course character bashing, but all in good fun! COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Stranger In A Strange Land: The Parody! 

**Rating: T**

**Summary: I found this episode dull and…well…strange. I thought we'd better get something funny out of this episode, so I wrote a parody. Some romantic themes, violence, and of course character bashing, but all in good fun!**

_**Written by SassyLostie of course, but not all the lines are mine. I do not own this episode, or Lost. Okay, and this probably isn't hilarious and wonderful, mostly it was just me putting in whatever popped into my head while looking at the script. **_

We see Sawyer and Kate on the water in the canoe. Sawyer is singing happily while paddling the little boat. "It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all, it's a small, small-"

"Stop."

"What, you want a turn steering?"

"No, I just hate that song." She said irritably, then continued under her breath. "…And your voice. Besides, we have to go back."

"What are you talking about? I've studied under the greatest singin teachers in the-"

"Turn the boat around, Sawyer. I mean it."

"Have you lost your mind?

"Probably, but that's beside the point."

"We just got away."

"Just do it."

"You give me one good reason to turn around!"

"Because if you don't we will never get caught in a cage again! I mean- Cuz we can't leave Jack behind!"

"But if we go back, Captain Bunny killer will…uh, kill us."

"But if he's a _bunny_-killer, why would he bother with us?" Kate asked obliviously.

Sawyer only rolled his eyes. He'd wanted _her_ this entire time?

By this time, we had completely forgotten (either that, or we didn't care) that poor Karl was in the canoe as well. So, he thought it necessary to remind us. "God loves you as he loves Jacob."

Sawyer's eyes grew wide and tears filled them. "What? You mean…someone actually LOVES me?" He grabbed Karl's shoulders, demanding an answer.

"No, I just said that to sound creepy and pose new questions."

"Why doesn't anybody love me!?!?!?"

---------

Cut to Jack sitting on the floor of his cell as a door opens.

"Time to get up. We're moving you." Tom said with a scary smile.

"Moving me where?"

"Some place else, Jack."

"Please tell me someplace else is NOT closer to your house."

"I can't tell ya that, Jack."

There was a long pause.

"So this is it, huh?"

"It?" Tom asked, confused.

"Yeah. You're finally going to proclaim your undying love for me."

"Now, why would I do that?"

"Because it's true."

"What kind of people do you think we are, Jack?"

"Oh, I don't know. Forget I ever said anything." He said quickly, embarrassed.

Tom seemed over the subject of him and Jack and mysteriously began tapping on the glass. "Can you see this glass you're living in, Jack?"

"Uh…yeah. No duh."

"Okay. Just makin sure." He smiled.

They cuff Jack and lead him out into a corridor where he sees Juliet walking toward him with some Others.

"Hey, Jack!"

Jack turns to see that Juliet is handcuffed. He also notices an unfamiliar Other, a blond woman, eyeing him.

"Uh, can you not stare at me like that?"

COMMERCIAL BREAK

FLASHBACK

From the beach, we see a pan across the horizon and see several small islands. We see Jack exit a hut on the beach, slinging a pack over his shoulder. A boy carrying a bucket approaches.

"Doctor Jack want soda? Doctor Jack." The little boy asked.

"Don't you know junk like soda goes straight to my thighs?" He asked angrily, hands on hips.

The little boy ran away.

Jack made his way to the beach. He struggled to assemble a kite, but failed miserably. He looked over at a woman a few yards down the beach and cast her a goofy smile, before going back to the kite.

"See what I'm doing here?" Jack said to the camera. "I am ignoring the fact that the woman is suspicious and looks like a hooker, and am instead pretending to be stupid and not know how to make a kite so she'll come over. After this brief meeting, she will fall in love with me and my manly charm. Brilliant, huh?"

As if on cue, the woman laughed and came over to help. She's carrying platform shoes and wearing a very skimpy outfit.

"See? I told you she looked like a hooker."

They-well, more the woman, got the kite together and helped Jack launch it into the air.

"Thank you. Thank you very much…So…are you in love with me yet?"

"You're not from around here are you?"

"Of course I am! I'm Jack-uh…Jack-Mongkut-Sunan. But you can call me Jack."

"Hi, Jack. I'm Achara."

"Achoora?"

"Achara"

"Acharee?"

"Achara!"

"Ack-ar-ra?"

"ACHARA!"

"That's what I said."

A/n: Okay, I'll continue if I get enough reviews. I know it's random and weird, but I hope someone out there thought it was funny. Please review! Suggestion for parody liens etc are welcome!


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2 

A/n: Again, please forgive me for the crazy, dumb, randomness of this. I don't guarantee that it's funny, but apparently people out there like it, so I decided to continue, at least another part. It's all very insane and out of character…or exaggerating their in character-ness. ;) If that makes any sense. I assure you, I am actually a better writer than this…I certainly hope I am anyway. I can usually write humor better than this, but just not this kind I guess. :)

Back on the island, we see Jack pacing in the bear cage. Tom approaches with a sandwich and shoves it through the bars.

"I only like the ones Juliet makes for me." Jack pouted with a scowl.

"Well, too bad."

He started eating the sandwich anyway. "Who was that woman who was checking me out?"

"What?"

"Who was with Juliet."

"Uh…That'd be the sheriff."

"You have a sheriff? Are you the deputy?" He began singing 'I Shot the Sheriff' badly and off key.

"No! And not literally, Stupid." He rolled his eyes, muttering something about crazy doctors.

"Why are you moving Juliet into my room? Do I get to move in too?" He asked, eyes wide.

"She's in trouble, Jack."

"She is?" He frowned. "…Is she in time out?" He asked solemnly.

Tom rolled his eyes again. "Now don't try anything stupid. Stay put in this cage, okay?"

"Why can't you just watch me on that cool camera over there?"

"Oh, right. I totally forgot. Ben told me you got into the surveillance room." He seemed to perk up. "Sawyer and Kate, huh? Lemme tell ya, if anyone were made for each other it was them. They go together like peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, bologna and watermelon."

By this time Jack was sobbing hysterically, but at that he stopped.

"Bologna and watermelon?" He sniffed, glancing up. "Why didn't Juliet ever bring me _that_?"

"I don't…uh…"

"Thanks for the sandwich anyway." He said glumly.

-------

Cut to Sawyer, Kate and Karl in the canoe.

"YAY! The island! I, uh-I mean, I never thought I'd be happy ta see this rock again."

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm going home! I mean…I'm heading into shore."

"Why? If we just keep going we can circle round. Sooner or later we'll get to camp. We can tell Locke and Sayid what happ-"

"Oh, we will, huh? Do you and Sayid and Locke have something going on?"

"What? No!"

"Then why did you pick Sayid and Locke, huh?"

"I don't know, because-"

"YOU DO LOVE THEM!"

"Well, Sayid's okay, but Locke-"

"See, Karl? NOBODY LOVES ME!"

"Uh…I'll steer."

"No." He snapped. "You'll come ashore and we'll make camp, FAR away from yer precious Sayid and Locke. You can build a campfire while I carry the kid."

---------

Cut to Kate, Sawyer and Karl around a campfire.

Sawyer offered Kate a piece of fruit. "Do you want a mango?"

"No, it reminds me too much of Sayid. He used to get me mangoes all the time."

Sawyer began crying.

"I was kidding, James. I ain't hungry."

"I hate you!"

"You shouldn't fight." Karl cut in.

"Can't you see we're busy?"

"You shouldn't fight because you're lucky to be alive"

"I wanna be dead! She's in love with-"

"No, I'm not! I love you!" Kate shouted.

"What?" Sawyer asked softly, looking up.

"I love you!"

Sawyer pulled Kate into his arms and began kissing her passionately.

"Uh, guys?" He asked.

They ignored him.

"GUYS?"

"Kate, I love you." Sawyer breathed.

"I…love you too." She whispered back and kissed him more. "I'm sorry."

"You don't got nothin ta be sorry for." 

"Ahh! Stop! My eyes, it burns!" Karl screamed, covering his face with his hands.

Ten Minutes Later

"If ya waned us ta stop, all ya had ta do was say so." Sawyer smirked, surprisingly back in character.

"I was screaming for more than five minutes straight." He said through gritted teeth.

Kate shook her head. "So…That island we were on -- is that where your people live?"

"Just where we work." He said, peeking out at them, then quickly shutting his eyes.

"Work on what?"

"Projects." He answered, more sure this time as he removed his hands from his face.

"Well, sure, like the steal-the-kid-off-the-raft project. That was real fun, now wasn't it? We should do that again sometime."

Kate and Karl ignored him. "So, you don't actually live on that island?"

"That old place? There's not even a Starbucks, are you kidding me?"

"Do you live here on this island?"

"Yes, ma'am. Best coffee for miles around."

Kate made a mental note to find that Starbucks very, very soon. "And what did you do with the people that you took - the kids?"

"We give them a better life."

"Better than what?"

"Better than yours."

"How is it better than-"

'Two words. Coffee everyday."

"Isn't that three-" Sawyer began.

"It's a compound word so it doesn't count as three." Karl corrected.

"Oh, thanks Mr…uhm, Grammar Guy, I-"

Karl looked up, unfazed by Sawyer. "There's not going to be any moon tonight. It'll be dark. Me and Alex used to lie in my backyard at night and think up names for the constellations. You can't see it yet, but right there will be Ursa Theodorus - the Teddy Bear. And also, the Giant Hippo-Bird riding a horse, through the jungle, in the winter, with a snowman and-"

"Wait a second. You have backyards?"

"Yeah."

"So…can you show me that Hippo Bird thingie?"

End of Pt. 2 

_**A/n: I'm not really confident about this fic at all, but if someone out there finds it funny, please tell me. I'm just typing whatever pops into my head and so far people have enjoyed it so I'm continuing. Please review if you like it, otherwise I'll just delete it. Thanks!**_


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3 

A/n: So, I guess people actually like this stuff. LOL Anyway, I think I did better on this chap than the last one, even tho it doesn't have sawyer and Kate in it this time. After this, there will only be one more chap. I hope you enjoy this! Thanks for the support through all this craziness:D

Cut to Jack in his cage. He pushes the food pellet button twice and then stops. Juliet approaches, escorted by two guards. He jumped up and ran to the bars, nearly running into them in excitement.

"I thought you were in time out?"

Juliet raised her eyebrows in confusion, but not looking surprised. "They let me out to examine Ben. His vitals are low and he has a fever." She handed a photo to Jack of Ben.

"Ahh! Why are you taking pictures of Ben's back?!?! Are you in _love_ with him?"

"Uh…no. I took this about 10 minutes ago. It's of his stitches. They're infected aren't they?

Jack looked at the picture hard and looked as if he were concentrating. "Yes." He said finally, with a firm nod. "We're going to have to amputate."

"Jack…"

"Yes, Juliet?"

"These are of his back."

"And?"

"And you can't amputate his back!"

"Excuse me, Juliet, but _I'm_ the doctor here."

She rolled her eyes. "Ok, now will you just come look at them?"

"No." He crossed his arms childishly.

"Jack." She said warningly.

"No." He said stubbornly, with a slight pout.

"Please?"

"If you're not going to listen to me and my doctorly advice, then no."

She sighed. "I'm not asking you for them, or him. I'm asking you as a personal favor to me."

"Why?"

"Because."

"You do love him!"

"Yeah, sure. And Kate's in love with Sayid and Locke."

"I knew it!"

"Jack, let's be serious here."

"Fine. You want me to help him again?"

"Yes."

Jack laughed. "Are you sure about that, Juliet? Even if it means amputating his back?"

"NO, Jack, no amputations!"

"Why not?" 

"It's complicated."

"Ok, fine." He paused. "Now, who's the handomest, strongest, smartest, most amazing doctor in the world?" He asked with a teasing grin.

"Ethan."

"Well, then I'm not going to help Ben! And I'm not going to help you either!"

COMMERCIAL BREAK

--------

FLASHBACK

We see Jack and Achara at a restaurant. A man set a plate down in front of Jack. "Okay, special Thai dish for you. You try." He laughed as Jack took a huge bite. "Very brave. Very brave."

"My brother likes you." Achara said, her eyes sparkling.

"How do you know?"

"He gave you his best dish. Most of the ingredients are imported to get the best."

"What is it?"

"Sheep testicles."

Jack began choking frantically, Achara watched, until he fell over unconscious.

---------

Back on the island, the "sheriff," Isabel, visits Jack at the cage. She begins speaking in Chinese and Jack looks puzzled.

"Hey, what are you doing"

She continued reading.

"Are you saying means things about me? You _are_, aren't you!"

She laughed. "Oh, I was just reading your tattoos. The 5 and the stars are very cute. But the Chinese I find a bit ironic."

"What's ironic mean?"

Isabel ignored him. "You _do_ know what it says."

"Yeah, I know what it says. It says Jack is the coolest, mostheroic-"

"Are you sure? Chinese is a very complicated language. It's fairly common for some things to get lost in translation."

"I _know_ what it says."

"Alright, then. Jack, my name is Isabel. If you'll come with me, I'd like to talk to you and ask you a few questions."

"NO! I'll never tell you anything!"

"Jack, we aren't going to torture you."

"I know you are!"

"Come on."

-----------

Cut to Jack being led down a corridor. Alex meets up with them.

"Why don't you check on your father, sweetheart? I know he'd appreciate it."

"You mean he's nto dead yet? Darn." Alex said, and then is led away by an Other.

As soon as she's gone, Jack and Isabel enter a room where Juliet and Tom are waiting.

"Please, have a seat, Jack. As you may have gathered, we don't live on this little island."

"You don't?" He asked, shocked, as he leaned forward, listening intently.

"In fact, most of us don't really like even coming here."

"No!"

"There's been an incident that I'm investigating and I need to ask you some questions."

"Shoot."

Juliet and Tom rolled their eyes at his eagerness.

"So, I was hoping you might help me clear up a few of the inconsistencies. Now correct me if I'm wrong, Tom. But you said that in the midst of a surgical procedure Jack made several comments indicating that Juliet had asked him to kill Ben.

"Yeah, that's right."

"That true, Jack? Did Juliet ask you to kill Ben?"

"Why would she do that?"

"The question's simple. Did Juliet ask you to kill Ben?

"No. No, I was lying. I always was a good liar. In fact, I'm good at everything. I would have done anything to get my friends out. And turning you people against each other was my best chance of creating chaos. I'm good at that too, huh?"

"Why are you lying for her, Jack?"

"See, I'm so good at lying, you don't even know when I'm lying and when I'm not. Ha!"

They all shake their heads, looking down.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

--------

FLASHBACK

Achara entered Jack's hut.

"Who's there?"

"Who do you think?" Achara said seductively, as she came over and leaned in to kiss him.

"Are-are you the monster that lives in my toilet?" He asked in a quiet voice.

"No, Jack, I'm not the monster from your toilet." She said with a groan, and then kissed him deeply.

"No, seriously." He pulled away. "If you're not from my toilet, are you the monster from…from _under my bed_?" He said in a low, scared tone.

"You sleep on a mattress on the floor. There's no space under _our_ bed." She smiled, kissing him again.

"But-"

"Would you like to ask me something, Jack?" She sighed, pulling away.

"Yes. Who _are_ you?"

"There are things that happen here that you could never understand." She whispered and ksised him passionately, wrapping her arms around him.

"You _are_ the monster from my-Ummph!"

--------

Jack woke up in his cage and screamed at the sight of a bunch of people standing outside of his cage.

"Ahhh! What are you doing here?!?!"

"Hey, Jack."

"Oh, it's you, uh…Jessica-er-Mary-I mean, uh Cassidy, no wait. Mary JO. That's what it is…so, do you have anymore alcohol?"

"My name's Cindy, and of course not, Jack."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"I live with the Others now. We're here to _watch_, Jack."

"Watch what? Spongebob?"

"No, not Spongebob, Jack." Cindy said dryly. Just then, Emma approached her. "What is it, sweetheart?" Emma whispered in her ear and waited with a big smile. "She wants to know how Ana-Lucia's doing."

Jack paused, looking shocked. "Does _she_ watch Spongebob?"

"What?"

"If you've got a show to watch, Cindy, go watch it!!"

**End Of Part Three**

_**A/n: Please tell me hat you thought and review if you want to write the last chapter!**_


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4 

A/n: More Jack-bashing and Sawyer and Kate in this final chapter of my parody. I have gotten so many reviews, I can't believe it! At least 12 per chap, This is amazing. I'm glad people are enjoying it. Extra long chap this time. Read on for more weirdness. :)

Cut to Kate waking up at the campsite. She sees that Karl is missing.

"Sawyer. Sawyer, wake up. He's gone. Karl's gone."

"And _why_ do I care?"

"Sawyer!"

"He didn't even show me the hippo-panda whatcha-ma-callit!"

"Just go find him." She groaned, rolling her eyes and muttering 'men' under her breath.

"Wait…Hold up."

They stop and can hear Karl crying.

He shook his head. "I got it, Freckles."

"No, let me talk to him. I'm,a woman. I'm more – well, motherly and nurturing."

"You?" He scoffed. "I got it -- boys only. Because boys are cooler."

"Well…you know what? Get caught in a cage by yourself next time then!"

-------

Sawyer walked towards the sounds of crying and quickly found Karl. He walked over and when the boy glanced up, punched him hard in the face. Karl was immediately knocked out. Sawyer smiled, brushed off his hands on his jeans, and walked back over to Kate.

"Kid ain't cryin no more. Let's go, Freckles."

--------

Cut to Jack in his cage. Alex enters and throws a rock at the surveillance camera, breaking it.

"I want to ask you something. They're not watching anymore so you can tell me the truth."

"Only if I want to. I am a good liar you know." She smirked.

"Ben, why'd you save him? I hate him! First he locked up my boyfriend, then he grounded me and said I couldn't watch Spongebob anymore…But you still fixed him, even after your friends got away. Why?"

"You're his daughter."

"Well, technically, no. He adopted me, but he's always been very vague on the subject, so who knows? Anyway, we're going off topic. Answer the question, or this time you're getting the rock, not that camera."

"I'll answer your question if you answer one of mine. Where's Juliet? I MISS her!" He started to sob.

Alex rolled her eyes. "She's with the rest of them. They're going to read her verdict."

"Her verdict? You mean…she's dead?" He asked in a small, heartbroken voice.

"Not her _will_, her _verdict_, idiot! And we all know what it's going to be. We're pretty strict about killing one of our own. Eye for an eye."

"You're gonna take her eye!?!?"

"Jack…" She shook her head. "Forget it. She killed the man who as going to murder your friends."

"You should take _his_ eye!"

"I didn't mean it like…Jack, I have another question. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And also, who dropped you on your head when you were a baby?"

"Oh, you mean my mom? Yeah, she did that once. My dad did it a couple dozen times, and then the nanny. Oh, jeez, don't get me started on that frikkin nanny…"

"Uh, Jack? Forget I asked. Now, for the last time. Why did you save Ben?"

"I saved your father because I'm awesome, heroic, smart, amazing. All that my tattoo says."

Alex started to walk away.

"Wait, is he stil in charge? Can he get me out of here?"

"Personally, I think that cage is there for your own safety." Alex muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing, Jack." She called.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

In the Hydra operating room, we see Ivan about to inject a needle in Ben's infected back. Jack busts in.

"I wouldn't do that! I am the only doctor qualified to do that, and besides. He doesn't need shots, he needs his back amputated immediately."

Ben rolled his eyes. Juliet warned me about him."

"You guys are stupid." He said childishly.

"And why is that, Jack?" Ben asked wearily.

"Cuz you don't have any good doctors. Besides me, I mean. And I don't work for you cuz you're evil!"

"We had an excellent surgeon, Jack. His name was Ethan."

Jack's mouth dropped open and he gasped. "So HE'S the man trying to steal Juliet from me."

"He's dead, Jack. Remember?"

"He's dead? Did you 'eye for an eye' him?" He asked quietly.

"No, Jack. _You_ did."

"No, I would definitely remember taking someone's eye." He said thoughtfully.

"Why do we even keep this guy around?" The random other in the room groaned.

"We need to make a deal. I demand that you give me Juliet back or I won't amputate your back."

"Thank you so much for that." Ben said dryly.

"You're gonna die if we don't make this deal and I want Juliet safe, do we have a deal or not?"

Ben sighed. "Fine. Does Isabel have a walkie?"

"They're already in the meeting." Alex said.

"Then get me something to write on, and for Pete's sake, get him out of here." He said, pointing at Jack.

--------

FLASHBACK

We see Jack at a seedy street market. He sees Achara and follows her into an empty room -- sort of a lounge, but with a tattoo station in the room.

"You're following me."

"Of course, the toilet monster told me to."

"Jack, how many times do we have to go over this…"

"Wait." He looked around here they were. "What _is_ all this?"

"This is where I work. And you shouldn't be here."

"This is, uh, a tattoo parlor. That was big secret?" he scoffed. "Shoot, the toilet monster led me here for nothing. I trusted you!" He shouted to no one in particular.

"I am not a tattoo artist. I am able to see who people are. My work is not decoration; it is definition. And this, this is my gift."

"So you see who people are? Who am I? A ninja? A pirate?" He asked excitedly.

"No, Jack. You are not a ninja or pirate."

"Dang." He paused. "So…tell me who I am."

"No. My gifts are not meant to be wasted on you."

"Why not?"

"You are…how can I put this lightly, stupid." His face crumpled. "I-I mean an outsider."

"So you can sleep with me, and impersonate the toilet monster, and-"

"I'm not allowed. Drop it, already."

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "WHO AM I? What's my name? What's wrong with me??"

"Many things, Jack."

"Please tell me who I am?" He whined.

"Fine." She sighed. "You are a leader, a great man. But this, this makes you lonely, and frightened, and angry…and a bit stupid-I mean, an outsider."

--------

Audience: No, duh. Gee, this girl's a smart one. She's almost as bad as Jack.

--------

"Now, put it on me. Put it on me!"

"Okay." She shrugged. She began getting some very threatening-looking tools out.

"WAIT! Will it hurt?" He asked in a small voice.

"Too late."

-------

Back on the island, Jack and Alex run to the meeting.

"Jack, you aren't supposed to be in here. Just shutup for once." Alex knocked on the door.

"Alex! Why did you bring Jack here, you know he's not allowed." Tom said.

"Isabel, here's another note from my Dad."

She grinned and blushed as she took the letter hurriedly. "Another love note?" She asked in a high pitched tone, then quickly masked her emotions and read it.

"Love notes?" Tom mouthed, Alex shook her head.

"Ben has commuted Juliet's sentence. Execution is off the table. He says the rules don't apply. He has, however, ordered her to be marked."

"You mean you wont' take her eye?" Jack asked excitedly.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

--------

FLASHBACK

We see Jack on the beach exiting his hut. We see the Thai boy selling soda to a man. Jack marches up with an angry look on his face

"I thought I said that stuff goes to my thighs!" He shouted angrily.

The little boy ran away in fear and a group of men approached and proceeded to beat Jack to a pulp.

"You will get off of beach!! You will leave this country!! Do you understand me?!" Chet shouted.

Jack just sat in the sand and cried hysterically, until the men got embarrassed and nervously walked away.

"NO ONE LOVES ME!" Jack sobbed loudly.

"I hear ya, Doc!" A voice randomly yelled.

Jack only shrugged and ignored the voice and continued to cry.

---------

Back on the island, Juliet brings a sandwich to Jack in the cage.

"I hear you only like them grilled."

"No, I just like the toothpicks. Tasty."

"Okay, whatever."

"Wait, I thought they were gonna take your eye?"

"They didn't take my eye, Jack. And would you just shutup about the whole 'eye for an eye' thing already! They marked me."

"Ooh, can I see?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"But I _love_ you."

"I'll let you see it if you take that back." She tried.

"Fine. But I'm only saying it with my mouth, not with my heart." He said poetically.

"Whatever." She said, and showed him the mark on her back. It was a smily face.

Jack laughed. "Cool! Can I have one?"

"No, Jack."

"I never get to have any fun." He grumbled, then he stopped. "My doctor sense are tingling. Break a branch off that aloe plant over there..."

"Uh, no really." She started nervously.

"GO GET IT!"

"Fine!" She shouted, jumping in surprise and running to get it.

"Okay, turn around."

"But, I can-"

"DO IT!"

"Fine!"

He started to put the aloe to her back.

"Ow ow ow ow!"

"I haven't even touched it yet."

"Oh. Sorry, just practicing."

He started rubbing it on the wound. "Uh…Juliet?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm touching it now."

"Oh…ow ow ow ow ow ow!"

----------

Cut to Sawyer returning to the campsite alone.

"Where's Karl?"

"Oh, uh, whenhe wakes up, I think he's goin ta get his girlfriend."

"What?"

"Poor guy." He smirked. 'He was so tired from all that soothing guy-talk, he took a nap."

"But he could have taken us to that Starbucks!"

"Coffee ain't everything, Kate."

"Take that back!"

"Let's just get back to camp." Kate is annoyed but doesn't respond. "Well, are you coming, or not?"

"You suck!"

"That's not what you said the other day." He smirked. She only glared, so he glared back. "Don't take it out on me because you feel guilty."

"I don't feel guilty."

"Yeah, right."

"We had to leave Jack behind. I didn't have a choice."

SAWYER: I'm not talking about leaving Jack behind. I know you took that last candy bar. So don't beat yourself because the Doc's left behind."

"I'm not beating myself up…It was a good candy bar."

"Of course you're not. So, now that we got that out of the way, let's go."

--------

Scene switches to the Others on the beach preparing to ferry people to a larger boat offshore.

"Hmm…"He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us." Your tattoos -- that's what they say." Isabel said.

"Nuh-uh! They say that Jack is the smartest, most heroic-"

"No, it isn't."

"Well, fine! That's what they say. That's not what they mean." He said, and walked away angrily.

**The End**

A/n: Okay, that's the end. I don't think it was as funny as the last chapter, but it was fun to write anyway. If you've been reading this and not reviewing, please just tell me what you thought. Thanks!


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